Children apparently think I’m stupid but they can’t talk so it doesn’t matter

The title should have been worded “small childrenus think I’m stupidus butus they can’t talk so it doesn’t matterus.” I’ve been watching Spartacus non-stop for probably about 6 hours…..pronounced “sixus hoursus”.

I want a sword

ANYHOO. This is Mariah. I am too tired during the semester to do anything other than absolutely essential actions, so I haven’t written in a while.

Please don’t bitch to me about it, as I won’t really care, and may even taunt you for relying on my blog for any kind of comfort.

… even though I’ll secretly feel foreveralone if you don’t acknowledge my amazing blog-writing skillz.

I might lie awake at night thinking about blog post ideas that could potentially tickle your fancy.

Then you don’t notice.

And my heart becomes a giant black hole filled with sadness and the illusion of origami geese.

BASICALLY what I’m saying is that my life’s happiness and joy depends upon your approval.

lol not really.

So I watched a child tonight. I figured it was my time to prove to the world that I could be a proper adult and that I was capable of matronly behaviors. Naturally upon on the departure of her parents I immediately started saying “yo mama” in different voices. I also made different duck bill shapes with my hands and quacked in her direction for about half an hour. I also acted like a piece of seaweed. She watched me and laughed at me occasionally. She’s probably smarter than I am. She probably wanted to discuss economics.

I know nothing of economics, but damn it all if I can’t make a beautiful duck bill.

Elliot on the other hand is extremely entertained by my behaviors. Jacob, Elliot, and I were at our friend’s upscale venue tonight. Elliot somehow managed to piss off our waiter within 5 minutes of being there….first by asking him if he knew what a “purple nurple” was *hint: it’s a girly drink*…then refusing to get up to walk to the bar to get it because his legs hurt from squatting…then proceeding to try to give the waiter an EXACT, meticulous recipe when the waiter simply asked about the drink’s constituents.

Jacob was there being amazingly hyperactive and interrupting the conversation as normal. He also played guitar while I sang.

I told Elliot that the song “secret agent man” reminded me of him at that exact moment. He laughed.

I said some really racist things about asians AND revealed a thought about origami geese, which it turns out are actually origami cranes….Elliot laughed again.

Once elliot had calmed down from one of his laughing fits…I said, “listen…I’d like you to give me a genuine, real response to what I am about to do…okay?” He proceeded to neutralize himself and straighten up in his chair. I then put both of my hands together, formed a duck bill, and proclaimed “QUACK.”

….Elliot laughed. For several, several minutes. His abs probably looked so veiny.

My back is still injured.

 

Jesus what a depressing blog post.

 

 

Another one from our friend Johnny!

The following is a guest post from our friend John, who happens to be my boyfriend’s brother. He is funnier than we are. FML.

 

Hello, my name is Johnny.

When Adam and Eve were crossfitting in the garden of Eden, God said,
remember, don’t eat the fruit. The fruit symbolizes temptation because
it tastes good but doesn’t increase your total or WCABTMD. But Eve ate
the fruit anyway because she used to be a fatty before she went to
Crossfit Eden and she remembered the lusty delicious taste of apple
well from the olden times. Then, Adam ate the fruit too because he was
sort of on a strict lifting regime and figured that his total was more
important than GPP anyway, and in a frenzy of elevated insulin levels
they made sweet, passionate love. However, Adam was supposed to hit a
particularly heavy set of squats two days after that, so by spilling
his seed on Eve he had totally peaked his testosterone levels with bad
timing, which would later lead to him missing some squats he may
otherwise have made.
And thus, Adam and Eve sinned, for they committed acts that inhibited
both GPP and total. Now, the angels said to God, hey we told you you
couldn’t trust humans. If you would let us go in Crossfit Eden we
would be disciplined all the time, eating naught but spinach and meat
and drinking naught but milk and water, and squatting naught but the
heaviest of available objects. But God said that he was not so
impressed by the angels as he was by the humans, for to err is in the
nature of a human, and thus their virtues are made all the more
meaningful. However, He was considering next years big lifting and
crossfit meets, so He sent the humans to Earth and let the angels
train in his gym instead, for they would surely post much higher
totals and much faster Fran times.
And so it came to pass that the humans made crossfit gyms on earth,
and the angels trained in Crossfit Eden, and it was good.

Things I haven’t done recently:
Modern Warfare 2
Nonlinear Partial Differential Equations
Heavy Back Squats
Coitus

Here’s the thing, and I might have this mixed up a little bit.
I can’t play Modern Warfare 2 because I just finished the Volume phase
of Smolov, so I’m giving my legs and CNS a break by just playing a
little Battlefield 3 and Tetris Attack instead. It’s kind of a drag
because I suck at Battlefield and I’m better than everyone in the
whole universe at Tetris Attack, but Jacob said I really need the
break and the designers or Smolov really do know what they’re doing.
On the plus side, my Tetris form is still good; even if I can’t hit
simultaneous combos all that often I can nail the fast x7 like it’s no
big deal, or the slow x13, and my defense is still show stopping. If
you want to talk about Battlefield, you should probably talk to
somebody else unless you like talking about crashing helicopters or
drowning.

Before break I was solving all kinds of Nonlinear Partial Differential
Equations (PDEs). It was really fun, especially when I was working on
this particular one called the Boussinesq equation, which I had been
working on for about a year. But, I sort of stopped working on that
one and ever since then I’ve been too emotionally drained to have sex.

My home computer broke (the motherboard won’t read my SCUZZYs anymore)
, and that was the only place I had Maple installed, so no more heavy
back squats until I get Maple installed on the office computer.

Something something, nonlinear PDEs next week maybe.

All that bullshit aside, my training has been going extremely well.
Over break my high bar squat went up at least 30# and my ass
circumference increased by 1.5 inches. In a few weeks I get back to
intense squatting.

Here’s some more pickup lines:

“Want to see my penis collection?”

“Hey, do you want to talk about math or weightlifting or video games?”

“I hurt my hand. Will you hold it?”

“I’ll buy you a drink if you show me your butthole.”

“Do you know any good pickup lines?”

Let me know if any of those work for you.

Love,
Me

I was pressured into writing this

Hi.

It’s Mariah.

I am foreveralone in my apartment without a car. My piece of shit car is currently probably getting some really expensive thing done to it. It’s not that bad because it gives me an excuse not to go to work, but it is kinda bad because it is preventing me from seeing my hot chiropractor. He is married to a woman that happens to be a lot more attractive and interesting than me. Fuck.

I tried to text Nathan to come and hang out with me but he is still sleeping. It’s two in the afternoon.

…

ANYHOO. This is going to be a very boring post, so here’s a picture of me in my underwear:

Geez I turn myself on.

Moving on.

I am turning into a skinny-fat POS. If have been living in a cave and didn’t know that Nathan and I are back-injury-buddies, please get fucked and then read the entire blog from the very first post. It has been a month and a half since I have been able to squat anything more than 65 pounds, and even that is pushing it. It’s fine I’ll go bury myself alive.

Nathan and I spent most of yesterday hanging out. It started out exceedingly well when he managed to drive to the wrong location to pick me up.

we went to fucking Black Bear Diner and he demanded that we sit in a certain section that wasn’t even open at the time. wtf Nathan?

On the way to the gym, he proceeded to start screaming about food and nonfat labeling in the car.

AT the gym, he stood there about 5 feet away from me during my entire “training” session and asked me about every 5 seconds how my back was feeling. He was wearing a leather jacket and it was making me really uncomfortable.

After the gym, Jacob AKA Hobbit bought us dinner, and there was far too much time spent discussing the meaning of the word “Ass-canon.” I also managed to shoot ranch dressing onto the man sitting in the booth behind me. He didn’t notice and I didn’t say anything. I’m an upstanding citizen.

As we were leaving, Hobbit gave us a group hug and kissed Nathan on the cheek. I said, and I quote: “I can’t believe it!” It was hot.

After dinner, Nathan and I went to my apartment and proceeded to watch instructional videos on cunnilingus and fellatio together. we would watch a video and then ask for critique of the video from the other person. There is nothing awkward or unusual about that.

I also made us paleo hot chocolate which tasted like ass.

I got into a nutrition debate with a vegan/triathlete/nutrition studies major. I was feeling a bit down on myself and the whole “picking a fight with someone who is clearly dumber than I am” thing really boosted my self esteem. The entire conversation went something like this:

ME: “Biochemical processes indicate that when fructose is metabolized, THIS happens.”

VEGAN TRIATHLETE NUTRITION STUDIES MAJOR: “I’ve been in school for 3 years and I disagree.”

ME: “Citing your education rather than actually asserting a claim is a real piece-of-shit move, but I’m glad you exist regardless.”

VEGAN TRIATHLETE NUTRITION STUDIES MAJOR: “I believe that everyone’s body is different.”

ME: “I’m sure someone in your life really loves you.”

…

I managed to get a young child to shut the fuck up by telling him that we had nothing in common. I consider it one of the greatest successes of my life.

I’d say something about my dating life, but it’s kind of a giant void filled by the fact that I like to stare at my own boobs and make inappropriate racial and cultural slurs on a regular basis and I also really have a thing for insulting random guys’ penis sizes.

I have nothing else to say.

I am writing this on my friend’s ancient, jizz-stained keyboard

Nathan here, I’m going to talk at you for a bit.

My back has been getting better. Over the past few days, I’ve done some mildly athletic things with my spare time. Such as:

-Front Squat 250x3x5

-3RM Chin with +80lbs

-Power Snatched a few doubles at 70% (it’s a small number so fuck you)

-Did a 1RM curl strict curl

-Started working on my core like whoa

-Bought a t-shirt I found amusing

Here are the videos of some squatting and chins

Mariah and I think it’s pretty funny that we both hurt our backs in pretty much the same time frame. Mine is a flexion injury and hers is extension. We are basically an old, decrepit couple. We do all sorts of things that a couple would do, such as take long walks, go see movies, eat together and talk about our day. Similar to a real couple, we don’t have sex. So, it really is like all the pieces are in place, we might as well get married, to really just fucking tie the knot and seal mutual unhappiness.

The girl I went on a few dates with doesn’t really talk to me any more and doesn’t seem to have a desire to see me again. Which is fine. I never liked her anyway. I was totally disinterested the whole time. Who needs her?????? I’d rather be doing curls or squatting or O-lifting. MY happiness is not dependent on others.

Goosefraba.

People have been commenting that I look more swole as of late, despite the fact that I’ve actually lost about 10lbs since not O-lifting heavy. I attribute it to the silly amount of chin ups I have been doing and so people are mistaking the half inch I put on my arms for substantial weight gain. Either way, I am going to keep curling regularly. I put some chains on my neck today in a high school gym and then did dips with Jake Briskin in his high school. I didn’t expect for my center of gravity to be shifted substantially, so every time I did a dip, my legs shot up backwards and I leaned forward. So, I imagine I looked pretty silly because I was one of the smallest people there, outside of the HS freshman benching 10lb plates and I was also wearing this American Eagle shirt my dad gave me.

Someone was recently astounded by the fact that I do not really buy clothes. Except for the occasional funny shirt or hat. Our conversation went something like this:

Her: So, why do you not buy clothes?

Me: Well, I don’t really need to.

Her: But, don’t you need new clothes?

Me: No, because the clothes I have now still fit.

Her: But, what if they don’t?

Me: But, that hasn’t happened yet

Her: But, where do you get new clothes?

Me: I don’t have new clothes

Her: SO WHERE DO YOU GET THEM

Me: But, I don’t

Continued like that for a while. Seriously though

2012?

Buying clothes?

I seriously hope you guys don’t

actually you probably should buy clothes on the reg

word up

Any New Year Resolutions you guys want to talk about?

Good morning starshine

Well hello.

I have been up since 5am and it is now 8am and I am in between the happy-delirious state and the serial-killer-delirious state. I like my job and all, but I have to admit that I secretly want to crotch-kick every client that comes into the gym for the morning classes. I have considered closing the gym door and slinking down in the office chair until everyone goes away and then blaming them for not seeing me. I have also considered bringing a tennis racket to the gym and hiding behind the door and just smacking everyone with it when they try to enter.

But don’t tell that to my employer.

…….

My back is still injured. It’s depressing. I’m an old lady. I think I am going to body build until it gets better…partially to delay the ass-disappearing process, but mostly to troll Jacob. More interesting than the back injury is the fact that I got a cramp in my hip from sex and it has lasted now for about 4 days.  I have decided to declare National Sex Cramp Day a holiday; it will be the day after Christmas every year until the end of time.

I think once I can start lifting again that I am going to start BCAAs. I have no idea how to take them or whether or not they’d be beneficial whatsoever, but Nathan said that I should take them because I am eastern European and BCAAs make eastern Europeans look really jacked. So I think I’ll just take about 20,000mg of BCAAs every day until I get a six pack.

Jacob and I were having a conversation the other day, and I may have been a bit delirious. He was discussing one of his mentors with me (and the methods that that particular mentor uses to challenge the hobbit intellectually)…and, well…here’s how the conversation went:

Mariah: your brain is like a little hamster wheel

and

He

is essentially just

like

putting his finger on it

and so your little brain feet are paddling along

Jacob: …

What?

Mariah: and he is just not allowing you to make any progress because his finger is holding the wheel in place

Jacob: and then he lets go

and all my little hamster energy is released

Mariah: and your brain feet can run free

Jacob: AND HOLY FUCK

Mariah: yes holy fuck is a good way to describe it

Jacob: how do we get into these conversations

Mariah:you and him?

or you and me?

Jacob: you and me

He and I have not discussed brain feet

yet

Mariah: He probably could he’s all smart and shit

Jacob: i

you know what

i quit

I am merely grateful for his belief in my potential.

Mariah: ME too!

Do you guys hug?

Jacob: No.

Fucking what?

Something’s broken in your brain.

Mariah: I am just trying to get a mental image here…

HEEEEHEHE

I love you two

i think

After you PR your next lift…

you should run up to him and hug him

Jacob: Why are we still friends?

Mariah: Because you like my ideas

Jacob: No that’s not it.

Definitely not it.

Mariah: The first step is admitting it

Can we all watch the movie Bridesmaids together?

it opens with a really awkward sex scene

Jacob: you

I

What?

……..That is all.

Gonna go die now

Have I mentioned that I hate children?

-Mariah

OK FINE I’M STRESS EATING GET OVER IT

This is Mariah. I should not be writing on the blog. It is the end of my last day of finals, and I can definitively say, with empirical and anecdotal evidence to support my claim, that I am an unscholarly piece of shit.

Guess I should just give up all of my life’s aspirations and watch every extant episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” I have been doing a similar thing by spending hours upon hours watching little 7-minute youtube clips of Beyonce documentaries. wish I was beyonce oh well.

I am currently eating chocolate and goat cheese ITISNOTASTRANGECOMBINATIONITISDELICIOUSSOSHUTYOURFACE.

So my life has been a bit depressing in the past few weeks and if I spend any more time talking about it I’ll probably jump off of a bridge, but I guess that doesn’t matter because the blog needs updating.

…

I hurt my back. It sucks. My ass is melting away from my lack of ability to squat. I have a hot chiropractor.

Moving on.

Somehow I’ve managed to drive a middle-aged woman insane. One day, I took a leisurely stroll to get some decaf (I have adrenal fatigue ok, fuck you), I was actually in a pretty good mood (for me) and I very merrily said, “Hello! I’d like a decaf please!” So she pours a cup of hot water and says “what kind you want tea?” (she doesn’t speak english very well) and I very politely said, ” I’m sorry! I wouldn’t like any tea, I’d like a decaf.” And then she says, “YOU SAID TEA. YOU SAID TEA. I’M NOT CRAZY, DON’T CALL ME CRAZY.”  JFC. It’s cool I’ll just go kill myself.

So I looked like a hobo today.

I also came up with a new pickup line…while in the midst of conversation…someone asked me some specifics about what I would like to do…and I said ever so eloquently said, “hey man…whatever you want…i’m like…and open book….except…instead of pages…it’s like…my legs.”

I want to go to one of the Occupy movements and ask everyone if I can occupy their pants.

i have nothing else to say.

As I wrote this, Mariah walked past me in our school’s library. I didn’t wave.

My back has been feeling better. This is great fucking news, in case you haven’t been reading this blog (you probably haven’t, don’t worry I’m not offended.) I’m actually squatting in the mid 200′s again, though, I’m belted because I don’t want to suffer a re injury in case I lose 2 degrees of extension in my L5-S1 Joint. I’m writing this post pre-workout on a Monday, so I’m going to try Front Squatting lightly today and see how that affects my back health. Hopefully better, because of the upright position. I get a little sore after backsquatting, but it seems to go away after a day or two.

Been doing some weighted chin ups. On friday I did some with +65lbs for 5, 4, 4. I try to get 5×3 before I move the weight up. The goal is to get +90 for 5×3 so I can have 17 inch arms. Really. That’s the whole reason why I’m doing these. Last week I benched a little. Probably the 5th bench session I’ve done in all of 2011. Did 175 for a few sets of 5. I bench like a little girl, it’s okay though, because it’s not as sad as my Press.

In other news, I went on a date friday night with this girl. She’s kind of awkward, like me, so this is fucking sweet. I think it ended well?????? It ended awkwardly, but if we’re both awkward, then it’s fine right????? I don’t know if she reads this blog or not so hopefully I’m not shooting myself in the foot here.

Let me tell you about what I like to do in my spare time. I was talking to my friend Elliot on Facebook Chat and we were discussing different ways to mathematically express someone’s interest in an another. This is still a prototype, but it’s a “little known” fact that I like older women. When I say, “little known” I mean, everyone who knows me knows this about me. Because we’ll be having a conversation and then a woman who is clearly 5-10 years older than me will walk by and I’ll just fucking stop talking like a goddamn retard, staring at her and the sway of her hips and wondering whether she has kids or not. It’s a little weird, I know, but I’m fine with it. I have a friend who is in her late 30′s and married with kids, but she’s retarded hot so I can actually only communicate with her like a normal human via text or Facebook Chat. In person I just sit quietly and hope she doesn’t think I’m being weird.

Anyway, the formula that Elliot and I came up with is going to be used to gauge on whether I will be interested in a gal or not. We’re going to use Age, weightlifting experience, sense of humor and divide the sum of those values by how crazy she is. Then depending on that final value, it’ll be gauged by a threshold. If it’s higher than a certain number, then I’m fucked.

I’ve lost my top 8 spot in Starcraft2, because I have not been playing. I’m back on Dark Souls. I just really like running around in a giant, seamless world with a katana like I’m some kind of tortured ronin ok

Drooling in class

Nathan here.

So the other day, I went salsa dancing for the first time. (Well, not the first time. The second time. The first time, though, it was a classroom setting with my bitchy girlfriend at the time and it ended very badly. Anyway.) so I went salsa dancing for the first time with my friend Elliot (he’s a lot bigger and stronger than me, it’s not really a big deal) and Mariah (same). I was sitting at home, about to fire up some Starcraft 2 when I get a text from both basically telling me that I was going. Okay.

Anyway, I wasn’t very good and was only able to do the basic step, which I think was frustrating for Mariah when I danced with her, because she’s, like, a real dancer and shit and she tried to instruct me, but I mostly ate shit. Then, I tried to dance with this girl I was introduced to as we got started, but I kept bumping into this pair that were a lot better than me and she kinda laughs and goes, “It’s alright” then gives me a look that was the equivalent of a “Well, at least you tried” and a pat on the back. Then I left and watched a bad movie with Jacob and our friend Travis who brought two hot girls with him that I had never met before. Shook both their hands, but only made eye contact with one. What they don’t know is that I’m ranked 10 in Gold and about to move into the top 8 in SC2. Then Platinum.

Yup.

That’s right.

It’s about to get really fucking REAL.

MLG, NASL and GSL better watch the fuck out, because I’m about to roll in there.

Oh, so what do you do?

STARCRAFT

A pro starcraft player what’s tha-

STEP ASIDE SCUM

My back’s been feeling better, I guess. I can squat and stuff, now, but I’m not going to post my numbers because it’s pretty pitiful. But, on friday I did a few sets of 5 with +55lbs hanging off my waist for chinups and the same weight for sets of 3 on ring dips, which is pretty fun. I figure that when I’m busting out a set of 5 chins with +90lbs, then I’ll probably not look so emaciated?????????? By january i’m going to be setting PRs again, ok

Brent Kim and I like to send each other pictures of ourselves flexing with our shirts off. It’s not gay.

Here is a conversation from our most recent discussion

brent:  i sent you a picture

 me:  can i get one of your front

 brent:  LOL

i took one standby

 me:  jesus christ dude, you’re yoked fucking goddamn it

 brent:  i look better than i used to

me:  looking swole dude

 brent: this girl

thinks i’m chubby

 me:  i can see your fucking adominals on my shitty ass phone??????

tell her she’s wrong

 brent:  gonna shower

hopefully cum

from seeing your pics

dude

your abs

look better than mine?

i’m glad we don’t feel gay about this btw

 Sent at 10:03 PM on Saturday

 me:  I have been doing lots of plank work and other bullshit for my back

just sent a picture of my back

you’re obviously a lot thicker than me

 brent:  yeah but your abdominal cuts slay a lot of pussy

 me:  and dude this isnt gay, it’s exactly as if we were to show each other our legit build orders in sc2

 brent:  ROFL

dude -

wtf have you been doing ?????????????? for your back?????????????

 me:  like NOTHING

because of my injury

why

 brent:  THEN WHY ARE YOU SO

 me:  so what

 brent:  you have so much muscularity

 me:  wtf lemme see this

 brent:  there’s a distinct differentiation

between your lower and upper trap fibers

 me:  i’ve been doing weighted pullups on saul’s advice

 brent:  it fucking looks real good

 me:  but i havent trained my back with anything harder than 3×10 back extensions

and light back squats

in 11 weeks

i just have

lower body fat, i think

you

are obviously

much more muscular

and thicker

gonna post your pics on the wall of a couple girls’ wall ok

 brent: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 me:  dont???

i almost hit post

should i not

 brent:  ROFL

yeah it’s fine

without that

 me:  without waht

 brent:  without posting

i don’t

have a real reason

 me:  bro

i wont post

if you dont want me to

 brent:  yeah let’s keep this a sausage party

Negative attitudes are just like positive attitudes except I have a negative one so I’m better. PS: I almost died.

THAT IS MY LOGIC AND I AM RIGHT.

I’m kinda sick and I pulled an all nighter just to get royally fucked by a lab practical (I got to say words like “cleavage” and “labial palp” HEHEHE). It sucks, but it’s not THAT bad. I could be in prison or something which would probably be a lot worse.

Moving on.

I had lunch with my friend Gretal today. It was glorious. We talked literally the entire time about how annoying kids are. There were a few lamentations thrown in about various less-than-interesting subjects (sex, marriage, biology, neuroscience), but I told her a story that I thought I’d share.

So, one time…Alex and I were hanging out and we got invited to chill out in a group by a few friends of ours. I asked who the group would be comprised of, and he mentioned a few people, two of whom are married and had a small baby at the time. Almost immediately upon hearing that the baby would be present, I said, “Nope. Not going.” He looks at me and says, “why?” to which I responded, “because that baby is an asshole.”

…This is standard ops for me, but Alex looked terrified. For the next half an hour he was saying things like, “I can’t believe you called a baby an asshole,” or, “you’re a bad person,” “can YOU believe that Mariah just called a baby an asshole?” and just generally trying to counsel me in the baby-appreciation department.

Listen, yo: I can’t help it if I don’t like babies. I lose my appetite around them (because they do gross things) and I get violently angry when they make noise. Babies don’t belong in public.

Jesus.

I competed in another powerlifting meet on Sunday and almost died. Like, not joking, bro. I actually almost died. I would like to lay out the entire day for you:

Alex and I arrived at the meet, and it was difficult not to notice how much less jacked I was than everyone there. Wanted to kill myself. ANYWAY…Alex had plotted something the night prior, let me explain: I laugh really fucking hard at stupid things. Like, so hard that I cry and can’t move. One of my favorite jokes is the one that says, “what do you call a mushroom that walks into a bar and buys everyone drinks?” —> “A FUN GUY!” HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHA. OK. So anyway. Alex has been conditioning me to start hysterically laughing every time I consider the possibility that someone is actually named Gus (fun+gus). SO while warming up my squat, some guy comes up to me and says, “Hi, my name is Gus, nice to meet you!”

……………………

Next thing I know I am laughing so hard that I am on the floor in the squat rack. I didn’t even say hi to him. He was just staring at me. I had so much guilt, and I just wanted to explain the situation, but I was laughing too hard to do anything. I couldn’t even walk away. In the middle of one of my laughing fits, he says, “Gus was my Dad’s name. I am Gus II.) Fuck. I was REALLY guilty at that point. So guilty that I started hysterically cracking up again and drooling from trying to talk.

Turns out the guy’s (fun guy HAHAHAHAHAHA) real name was Charlie. Alex set the whole situation up the night before. Dick.

Moving on. So I missed my 3rd attempt squat because I lost my balance in the bottom (depressed yet?) and then proceeded to get all emo and decide to hate my life and study in between heats. THEN I got redlighted on my second bench attempt because the left side of the bar lagged literally an inch behind the right side. Again, wanted to kill myself, but I went back and nailed a perfect bench on the third attempt, so as to say, in technical terms, “FUCK YEAH BITCHES!”

HERE COMES THE FUN PART!!!

I decided to eat some tritip between benching and deadlifting. It was some damned good tritip. There was a particularly large piece that I could not tear with my teeth, so I decided to try to chew the entire thing. After about 3 minutes of chewing, I was like “fuck this! Enzymes in my esophagus, get to work!” And I swallowed it. Here is my train of thought:

OH FUCK it’s stuck—-> OH FUCK maybe I should drink some water —->OH FUCK THE WATER IS COMING OUT OF MY NOSE AND MOUTH AND I CAN’T BREATHE LITERALLY AT ALL.

So at that point I hit Alex a few times on the shoulder, and I must have looked like the fucking exorcist or something because I was halfway puking up water as well as shooting it out of my nose….my hue was probably a bit unusual as well from the lack of oxygen. Anyway Alex tried to give me the Heimlich, and it wasn’t working, so he called for help. Before I knew it, some very large, very strong person was behind me squeezed me very violently about 3 times, and I could breathe again. Don’t really remember too much immediately after that, but from what I understand, I almost went into shock (heart rate was at 98). I was crying and telling everyone that I was sorry. Then Mark Bell brought me a Gatorade!!!! :-D :-D :-D

I decided to stay in the meet and then proceeded to crush the FUCK out of a deadlift PR. Woot! Here’s a picture:

Anyway that’s my story. ALSO Ben Claridad hugged me afterward. That is all.

bye!

-Mariah

WTFever

This is Mariah.

Squatting sets of 7 and sets of 9 all the time better make my quads more legit. My training goals are to get to the point where my quads are jacked enough to hide my personality. I think it could work as long as I don’t talk.

So I went to a weightlifting meet today and watched a bunch of people who were way more jacked than me.

I had spent the 24 hours prior freaking out and feeling like my guts were going to be ripped out through my mouth, so I would say that I was in a relatively good mood….

Wait what the fuck does that mean?

At one point during the meet, Nathan and I went to sit next to a friend of ours from the gym. We were all maintaining lively conversation about the meet and our lives in general. I was trying to pay attention, but there was a child behind me who was making me real fucking uncomfortable (she was making noise). I was trying to ignore it, but every time she said or did anything I just got madder and madder, and eventually I was like “FUCKTHISSHIT” and I got up and moved. I could not have been more trolled. Nathan didn’t understand.

Ben Claridad was at the meet. When Nathan pointed him out I turned bright red. His biceps are so fucking legit.

Glenn Pendlay was also there. When Nathan and Jacob asked me if I wanted to be introduced to him, I said no and tried to run away. I think I may have started to cry from hysterics. I kept my cool when he said hello, though; in fact, I thought my reaction was real classy.

I was thinking about what would happen if I got Pendlay and Ben to go on like a triple friend date with me.  I could invite them to have tea with me…and ask them about the meaning of life…and compare biceps with them…and possibly take them to the aquarium to pet baby bat rays.

Anyway Glenn thinks I am boring.

Fuck.

Nevermind.

bye